My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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