hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
