I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
