she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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