Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you win again, gameday.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
