Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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