So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
