the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
