So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he's gonorrhea incarnate
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
