I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
