her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Im part way to drunk.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
