she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
