dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My hand turned me down
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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