Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
