my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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