i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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