I looked at my own cervix.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
