I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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