They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
