I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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