you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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