But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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