She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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