it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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