Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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