look no pants
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
