I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
