I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
