what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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