My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
