she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
