If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
