My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
