life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
