my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
