why didn't you poke me back
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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