Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was born a porn star she said
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
