I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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