and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish you could order shots online.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
