im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
