dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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