you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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