I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
