You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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