I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
