Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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