i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
