wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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