i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
