i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
