I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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