There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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