my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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