One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
