Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
