I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
