apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
