I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
